Hellsing Christmas Pains
by Felix Falora
Summary: A Hellsing songfic based off of a Youtube video by ChillyAcademicIV. The song is Bob River's The 12 Pains Of Christmas. Rated T for cursing, violence, and crack situations. If it needs to be M, please let me know.


Author's Note: SONG FIC TIME! The Hellsing characters, all of them, and their Christmas pains! XD This oughta be fun. I would also like to say that none of my OCs will be in here. This is all Canon... and possible OOC canon...

Disclaimer: I own neither Hellsing nor the song I am about to use. Bob Rivers owns The 12 Pains of Christmas and the creator of Hellsing owns his own work... I forgot his name, I'm horrible, so forgive me T.T

Hellsing's Christmas Pains

The first thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me

Is finding a Christmas tree

_"Oh no... It's time for Master's Christmas tree shopping again," Alucard groaned. "Come along now Alucard... we have to get there before all the good trees dissapear," Integra said._

The second thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:

Rigging up the lights

_Anderson sighed as he looked at the task before him... Putting up the Vatican's Christmas lights. "Maybeh I should get Heinkel and Yumie ta help," he muttered to himself.  
_  
And finding a Christmas tree

_"Here we are! Stop the car!" Integra hurridly said. When the car stopped, she jumped out and charged into the store. Alucard stayed behind, sighing._

The third thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me

Hangovers

_"Oh man... shouldn't 'ave 'ad so much," Pip groaned as he ran to the bathroom.  
_  
Rigging up the lights

_"Where do I even start?" Alexander asked as he searched for a starting point.  
_  
And finding a Christmas tree

_"DAMNIT! ALL THE REAL TREES ARE OUT OF STOCK!" Integra yelled, pulling at her hair in frustration._

The fourth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me

Sending Christmas cards

_"How many of these things are gonna have to be made? One for every employee, then the knights, the queen and her staff... oh dear," Walter moaned.  
_  
Hangovers

_The sound of Pip throwing up in the bathroom could be heard by most of the Wild Geese, who felt instantly sympathetic for their sick captain._

Rigging up the lights

_"God help meh... Ahhhhh, there's a good location... Thank ye mah lord," Anderson said as he went over to the spot.  
_  
And finding a Christmas tree

_Integra jumped back in the car, breaking Alucard out of his stupor. "Change of plans, take us to the forest!" Integra yelled and the driver quickly stepped on the gas, not wanting to invite her wrath._

The fifth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me

Five months of bills!

_"VHAT ZE HELL?!" The Major yelled as he looked at all the bills. "SCHRODINGER! VHAT ZE HELL DID YOU BUY?!"  
_  
Sending Christmas cards

_"Oh great, then there's the Vatican, the Pope and his staff... even Millenium?! What the hell?!" Walter yelled as he continued writing.  
_  
Hangovers

_"Ahhhhh, Migonette, how are... Oh lord... Not again," Pip groaned as he ran to the bathroom again, leaving a confused Seras behind.  
_  
Rigging up the lights

_"Here we go... jus' like tha... Nae, nae, don't fall... GOD DAMNIT!" Anderson yelled.  
_  
And finding a Christmas tree

_"Master, what are we...?" "We're going to chop down a tree. It's more efficient then waiting to pay for a new one," Integra said, cutting her servent off dead in the middle of his sentence._

The sixth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:

Facing my in-laws

_"Oh fuck, zose PEOPLE are coming here?!" Zorin spat.  
_  
Five months of bills!

_"No... vait... LAB EQUIPMENT! DOK, YOU'VE RUINED US FINANICALLY YOU SON OF A BITCH!" The Major yelled.  
_  
Oh, I hate those Christmas cards!

_"I hate these damned things!" Walter growled.  
_  
Hangovers

_"Agggh, more of 'zese damned hangovers!" Pip growled as he ended up at the toilet... again.  
_  
Rigging up these lights!

_"These things are possessed, I'm tellin' yae!" Anderson yelled at Heinkel and Yumie, who stared at him like he was on drugs.  
_  
And finding a Christmas tree

_"Damnit, where's a good forest when you need one?!" Integra spat. "You humans probably chopped them all down for your expansion projects," Alucard replied._

The seventh thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:

The Salvation Army

_"FUCK THEM AND THEIR FUCKIN' CHARITIES!" Jan spat and proceeded to shoot at the guy who wanted Millenium to donate.  
_  
Facing my in-laws

_"HOW DID YOU GUYS EVEN FIND ME?!" Zorin spat at her in-laws, who just glared at her before saying, "Bad luck." "Of course it's bad, I haff to deal vith you zis whole Christmas!"  
_  
Five months of bills!

_"I'm sorry Herr Major, but I needed ze equip..." "NEIN! YOU VILL NOT BE FORGIVEN! YOU VILL PAY FOR ZESE BILLS VITH YOUR OWN DAMNED CASH!" The Major shouted.  
_  
Sending Christmas cards

_"Just five thousand more to go, Walter old bean, you can do it," Walter sighed.  
_  
Oh, geez!

_"Oh man... How long 'ave I been in zere?!" Pip moaned, then suddenly felt it again. "Oh geez!" Right back into the bathroom he went.  
_  
I'm tryin' to rig up these lights!

_"Anderson, I need something from you!" Maxwell called. "Not now! I'm tryin' ta rig up these lights!" Anderson shot back.  
_  
And finding a Christmas tree

_"Aha! There's one!" Integra said, pointing to a nearby forest as the driver stopped. "Well what d'you know? One survived," Alucard mused._

The eighth thing at Christmas that such a pain to me:

I WANNA TRANSFORMER FOR CHRISTMAS!!!!

_"I VANNA TRANSFORMER, PLEEEEEEASE!" Schrodinger said to Dok with kitty cat eyes activated. "NEIN!" The Dok shot back. "I HAFF FIVE MONTHS OF BILLS TO PAY OFF!"  
_  
Charities,

And whataya mean "YOUR in-laws"?!?

_"ZEY ARE MY INLAWS, IT'S NOT LIKE VE'RE MARRIED!" Zorin snapped. "... Oh... now I see... Well... FUCK THE SALVATION ARMY CHARITIES, THEY NEED TO STOP SENDING THEIR FUCKING MAIL MY WAY!" Jan yelled.  
_  
Five months of bills!

_"Damn zese bills! VHEN DID LAB EQUIPMENT GET SO FUCKING EXPENSIVE?!" Dok yelled.  
_  
Oh, making out these cards

_"Ouch! Arm cramps!" Walter gasped, massaging his arms softly in an attempt to get rid of the pain.  
_  
Honey, get me a beer, huh?

_"Come on, Migionette, just anozer," Pip begged. "Forget it, you've had too many already!" Seras said, walking away.  
_  
What, we have no extension cords?!?

_"NAE EXTENSION CORDS?! THEN HOW TEH HELL ARE WE GONNA GET THEM PLUGGED UP?!" Anderson snapped in shock of Heinkel's report.  
_  
And finding a Christmas tree

_"Alucard! Go get us a tree!" "What size, my Master?" "Big enough to fit in our house, doi!" Alucard grimaced. "Yes, my master."_

The ninth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me

Finding parking spaces

_"Damnit, the problem with shopping in this damned country is that there are no parking spaces!" Maxwell yelled.  
_  
DADDY, I WANT SOME CANDY!!!!

_"Herr Major, can I have some candy, pleeeeease?!" Schrodinger asked. "Nein! We don't need you on a sugar high again," The Major said, shuddering at the thought of it.  
_  
Donations!

_"I FUCKING TOLD YOU I AM NOT GIVING YOU ANY FUCKING DONATIONS!" Jan said, slamming the door the tenth time.  
_  
Facing my in-laws

_"GET OUT OF MY FACE, JUST BECAUSE I'M A NAZI DOESN'T MEAN YOU HAFF ZE RIGHT TO INVADE ON MY PERSONAL SPACE!" Zorin yelled as the male in-law walked towards her to give her a speech on how she needed to get a real job.  
_  
Five months of bills!

_"GOD, HOW MUCH DID ZIS COST?! BUT IT SAID CHEAPER ON ZE BUY SCREEN!" Dok yelled.  
_  
Writing out those Christmas cards

_"La la la la la, there ya go, Walter, just keep writing," Walter told himself.  
_  
Hangovers!

_"Back to ze bathroom!" Pip cried and ran for it, leaving the Wild Geeze and Seras to sigh in his wake.  
_  
Now why the hell are they blinking?!?!?

_"WHAT TEH HELL?! THESE AREN'T BLINKIN' LIGHTS!" Anderson yelled.  
_  
And finding a Christmas tree

_Alucard returned with a giant tree. "ALUCARD, WHAT THE HELL?!" "You said a tree that could fit in our house." "IT NEEDS SOME ROOM FOR THE STAR ON TOP, GO GET ANOTHER ONE!" Alucard growled, but went back into the forest after throwing the tree so far it most likely landed in the Indian Ocean._

The tenth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:

"Batteries Not Included"

_"Oh come on, what do you mean batteries not included?! I have to buy them too?!" Seras snapped.  
_  
No parking spaces

_"WHERE THE HELL IS A PARKING SPACE?! THERE ARE ALWAYS SPACES BACK IN ROME!" Maxwell complained.  
_  
BUY ME SOMETHIN'!!!

_"BUY ME SOMEZING!" Schrodinger yelled. Nobody replied.  
_  
Get a job, ya bum!

_"WHY DON'T YOU GET A FUCKING JOB INSTEAD OF KNOCKING AT MY FUCKING DOOR?!" Jan yelled and proceeded to blast the man with his panzerfausts.  
_  
Oh, facing my in-laws!

_"God, vhy did you haff to bring zese people here?!" Zorin spat as they sat on the other side of the room saying, "God, why did we have to have such a horrible daughter-in-law?"  
_  
Five months of bills!

_"HERR MAJOR, PLEASE...!" "NEIN, NEIN, NEIN! GET YOUR OWN DAMNED MONEY!"  
_  
Yo-ho, sending Christmas cards

_"Yo ho ho, yo ho ho, just one-thoudand left," Walter sang hapilly.  
_  
Oh, geez, look at this!

_"PIP, WHAT THE HELL?!" Seras yelled angrilly as Pip threw up on the floor. "I'm sorry... I couldn't..." Pip stuttered.  
_  
One light goes out, they ALL go out!!!

_"AWWWWWW COME ON! JUST AFTER I GOT THEM SET UP TOO!" Anderson yelled as the lights went out... Then all the lights went out.  
_  
And finding a Christmas tree

_"WHAT DO YOU MEAN THEY'RE ALL THE SAME SIZE?!" "That's what I said, Master. Don't make me repeat myself," Alucard said, trying to regain his hearing after Integra's loud voice blew it away._

The eleventh thing of Christmas that's such a pain to me:

Stale TV specials

_The Captain sat there, pushing the power button on the TV, but it would not come on. Even pressing the power button did nothing and he realized with horror... the TV was stale.  
_  
"Batteries Not Included"

_"WHERE ARE THE FUCKING DOUBLE A BATTERIES FOR THIS THING?!" Seras yelled at the storesclerk, who had been wasting her time by trying to flirt with her and not listening when she tried to ask her question.  
_  
No parking spaces

_"THEY'RE HEATHENS AND THEY DON'T HAVE ENOUGH PARKING SPACES!" Maxwell shouted as they passed the fifteenth store that day.  
_  
DAD, I GOTTA GO TA BATHROOM!!

_"WHAT ZE 'ELL?!" Pip yelled as he opened the door to see Schrodinger with his pants down on the toilet. "B-But I needed to use it and ze line vas huge!" Schrodinger whined before Pip proceeded to blast his brains out and throw up in the toiler when the body and blood dissapeared.  
_  
Charities!

_"I'M NOT HANDING MY FUCKING MONEY OVER! LUKE, YOU KEEP THAT FUCKING MONEY IN YOUR POCKET! NOW GET LOST YOU FUCKING BEGGERS!" Jan yelled before proceeding to beat the shit out of them.  
_  
She's a witch...I hate her!

_"Maybe if you made yourself look more like a woman, your husband wouldn't have..." "FUCK HIM AND FUCK YOU!" Zorin spat.  
_  
Five months of bills!

_"DOK, VE'VE FOUND A VAY TO PAY OFF ZESE BILLS!" Herr Major cried. "YES! YES YES YES YES YES!" Dok cheered.  
_  
Oh, I don't even KNOW half these people!

_"Wait a minute... WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?! WHY THE HELL DO I NEED TO WRITE TO THEM?!" Walter shouted.  
_  
Oh, who's got the toilet paper, huh?

_"I need... ze toilet paper... to clean up ze mess I made," Pip begged. "Go get another roll then, I'm using this one!" Seras snapped, then walked off.  
_  
Get a flashlight...I blew a fuse!!

_"WHY'D THE LIGHTS GO OUT?!" Yumiko panicked. "IT'S JUST TEH FUSE, NOW GET MEH A FLASHLIGHT!" Anderson yelled.  
_  
And finding a Christmas tree

_"Master, I think..." "No! No no no no no! Don't you dare say it Alucard!" Integra warned._

The twelfth thing of Christmas that's such a pain to me:

Singing Christmas carols

_" 'Tis the season to be jolly!" Rip Van Winkle sang, trying to lighten everyone's mood. She ended up getting slashed by an angry Zorin.  
_  
Stale TV specials

_The Captain, infuriated with the TV, lost his cool and ended up throwing the broken thing out of the window.  
_  
"Batteries Not Included"

_"OH COME ON, DON'T KICK ME OUT, HE WAS SEXUALLY HARASSING ME!" Seras complained to security. "I NEED SOME FUCKING BATTERIES!"  
_  
No parking?!?

_"FUCK THIS, I'M NEVER SHOPPING IN ENGLAND AGAIN! DRIVE ME BACK TO THE AIRPORT NOW!" Maxwell yelled.  
_  
WAAAAAAAAAAH! WAAAAAAAAAAH!

_"Zere zere, Schro. Ve'll buy you a new pair of pants and ve'll make zat mercenary pay for shooting you vhile you vere in ze bathroom," Rip crooned as she attempted to comfort a sobbing Schrodinger  
_  
Charities!

_"WHY SHOULD I PAY THESE FUCKING THINGS WHEN I DON'T GET ANY, HUH?!" Jan, furious now, ran outside with his machine guns and went on a killing spree.  
_  
Gotta make 'em dinner!

_"Make us dinner." "MAKE YOUR OWN DAMN DINNER, I'M NOT ZE COOK!" Zorin yelled. "See? This is why..." She began again. Zorin, who had enough of it hours ago, pulled her scythe and did the same thing Jan was currently doing.  
_  
Five months of bills!

_"Vait, who is zis...?" "We've made a deal with the Major here and you're our new slave," the man said with a grin. "Vait... VHAT?!" "Bye bye Dok," the Major said and walked off as the man dragged Dok away.  
_  
I'm not sendin' them this year, that's it!

_"You know what... SCREW THIS!" Walter yelled, then proceeded to slash up the table and the cards with his wires.  
_  
Shut up, you!

_"That's enough beer, Pip!" Seras yelled. "Hey, I'll drink as much as I fuckin' like, so shut up!" Pip snapped.  
_  
FINE! YOU'RE SO SMART, YOU RIG UP THE LIGHTS!!!

_"Anderson, where are my Christmas lights?! You should've had them done by now, they're so easy to put up," Maxwell said. Now Anderson glared at Maxwell, pissed beyond belief. "WELL IF THAT'S THE CASE AND IF YER SO SMART YERSELF, THEN YOU DO IT! I FUCKING QUIT!" And he stormed back to his orphanage.  
_  
And finding a Christmas tree

_"... We'll have to buy a plastic tree." "NOOOOOOOOOOO! I HATE THOSE DAMN THINGS!"_

Alucard and Integra walked back into the Hellsing manor. Integra looked angry and Alucard... For once in his unlife, he was a little nervous and wanted to get as far away from Integra as possible. However... he had to carry the plastic tree. He could only hope now that the staff had at least done their jobs right.

Sadly enough, it was quite the opposite.

"Walter. Did you send all those Christmas cards like I told you?" Integra asked. Walter could hear death in her voice and suddenly he regretted slicing them to bits.

"Well, uh... I..."

"I see... And Seras... did you get the items I required?"

Seras grumbled and then said, "I had to spend most of the day taking care of that perverted idiot who kept getting himself drunk... And then I got kicked out of the store for getting pissed off about the items not coming with batteries and then the batteries being out of stock."

Integra slammed her fist down onto the table and then shouted, "SO MY STAFF HAS DONE NOTHING... WELL THAT'S JUST GRAND! COULD THIS DAY GET ANY WORSE?!"

Then the door got slammed open and Maxwell ran in. "Integra Hellsing... I see you've no Christmas lights. You heathens don't celebrate Christmas?" he asked.

"No... We just can't put up the lights because we don't know how," Walter said.

"You mean... you don't... DAMNIT! I WAS HOPING ONE OF YOU WOULD! I CAN'T DO IT, ANDERSON COULDN'T DO IT... NOBODY COULD DO IT!" Maxwell complained.

Then the door burst open again and Rip Van Winkle charged in angrilly with Schrodinger huddled shyly behind her. "ALRIGHT! VHICH VONE OF YOU LIMEY BASTARDS SHOT MY LITTLE NEKO HERE VHILE HE VAS TRYING TO USE ZE BATHROOM?!"

Pip stumbled out into the open and fell hard on his face, eyes locked into spirals. Schrodinger yelped and pointed out at Pip. "It vas him. He vas the vone who shot me."

"You drunken bastard!" Rip growled, then aimed her rifle right at him. "NOW I'M GONNA KILL YOU!"

"_**ENOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUGH!**_" Integra yelled, causing everyone to have a major headache as their heads began aching from the noise that had been created. Then she started pointing. First, it was at the three intruders. "YOU THREE! OUT OF MY HOUSE! MAXWELL, FORGET ABOUT THE LIGHTS! NAZIS, YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE BEEN IN OUR HOUSE FOR WHATEVER REASON, BATHROOM OR NO BATHROOM!" Then she pointed at Pip. "PIP! IF HE WAS ONLY USING THE BATHROOM, YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE SHOT HIM! NOW WAKE YOUR ASS UP AND GO... TRAIN YOUR TROOPS OR SOMETHING!" Then she pointed at Seras and Walter. "YOU TWO GO FINISH WHAT I TOLD YOU TO DO!" Lastly, she pointed to Alucard. "YOU... SET UP THE TREE!" Then her hands fell. "Now... I have had a horrible day and I plan on getting some well-needed sleep... So... If I hear any noise from anybody out here that is a complaint, a whine, a cry, or whatever, I WILL PUT A FUCKING BULLET INTO YOUR FUCKING SKULL! GOT IT?!" With that, she stormed off. Everybody stood stunned before they turned to face each other and shrugged.

"Well... M-Merry Christmas anyway guys," Seras said.

"Yeah... Merry Christmas," Walter said, though reluctant as they were enemies.

"Merry Christmas," Maxwell said.

"Merry Christmas," Rip and Schro chirped hapilly.

So, despite the hostilities that should've existed between them, the feelings that the holidays could bring melloed them out and gave them the chance to enjoy their Christmas, despite what was going on. Soon the rest of Hellsing and Millenium, save for Dok, came over and they moved themselves to another area before holding what could've been known as one of the biggest Christmas parties ever.

Dok, meanwhile, was working his debt off somewhere far, far away.

_Fin_

This was fun to type XD


End file.
